The blog has to restart. For no reason other than the fact that the thoughts have been spiraling out of control and I have been imagining having the time to actually sit down and follow each thought as it happens. And I know that it is an impossibility and merely a dream of mine to imagine that. I can barely get my act together to write what gets me my bread and butter and then to imagine that I will be able to produce more, makes me want to laugh.
Random thoughts cross the mind.
How much humiliation can one take before pride steps in and says no? Or is it that imagined love has far greater power than I know of? When someone says I love you or I want to have an affair with you, do you feel grateful because it is a past lover and he is married and he never did have the affair with you when you really wanted it and now he is available and you fall backwards accommodating his request. And then he moves on and does not acknowledge you or even those feeble attempts that you make at keeping in touch through SMS. He couldn’t care less! You care more and more and have a thousand reasons on hand for his not being in touch and you will not divulge his name to friends even when they ask since you want to protect his privacy and anyway he had asked you not to share any information about himself to anyone. So you hark back to the old days and what a great friend he is and what you both share when you know the score now – there is nothing there but an imagined love affair which has burnt out a long time ago and all it is now is a power game with the controls in his hand and you waiting for him to bestow a kindly look in your direction! What is the fucking great thing about love? Give me hate, at least one can understand it.
How many blind women do we see on the streets – walking alone and negotiating spaces that blind men are seen occupying and traveling in? It was brought to my notice a couple of weeks ago and I started really looking around and its truly difficult to see blind women anywhere. One sees the random blind man, walking his way through the streets with his cane, or battling the crowds to get into a bus or even selling his incense sticke. The silence of female blindness is stark. Women are not to be seen, they are nowhere. So where do these women go and what do they do and how do they negotiate their world? Are they always in protected spaces and do they always need somebody to lead them?
Where does all the pain from care giving go to? When does one say enough is enough and I cannot do it anymore? Or is there no escape route for anyone? I wonder about this. What happens when someone you love is diagnosed with Alzheimers? Nothing prepares you for this, since you never are able to figure it our initially. It just seems like the person is forgetful and then you realize that they are more than forgetful and then you realize that you have been really angry with them and have shouted a couple of times and maybe you have hurt them and maybe you have hurt yourself because you never meant to do all of this. But no one else is really around to help you with this. Some friends understand but many people don’t. Alzheimers, schizophrenia, manic depressive – all are understood as dementia by most people. Why would they know any different? We don’t talk about any of this and mental health just as sexuality is a taboo subject. Admitting that one is seeing at therapist is sometimes as close to saying that you are having sex with your best friend’s partner! Maybe that would be more forgiveable but dementia – madness is not forgiveable, its scary, it seems contagious, it makes people say and do things that do not appear “normal”.
