Too big, too small, too short, too dark

Too big, too small, too tall, too short, too dark, too fair – maybe that does not happen. Maybe no one can be too fair! But what is this obsession with the body? No one is comfortable with what they have, they all want something that no one really has and in the end there is dire sorrow all around.

I am fat and it took me years to acknowledge that. I grew up in a home where there was no conversation around body size and I always knew I was beautiful. So when I did get out of the house and then had smart alecks on the street comment about my body or my weight, I was gob smacked! For heaven’s sake could they not see that lissome body trapped inside that outer shell and could they not see the intelligence flow out of me. How crass to expect more beauty?

Isn’t it strange how a set of rules set by a few impact many? Do we ever think about it? Do we ever wonder why there is this unholy obsession about the perfect body? I watch people today and am amazed at the self-control they seem to exhibit. All of them are clear that they do not want to become fat, they cite health reasons. No one ever seems to say that they are uncomfortable because peer pressure renders them unhappy, romance accords them the invisibility cloak and families strive to remind them everyday of their self indulgent self which has allowed them to become fat. So fat has now become the new mantra to stay away from.

What is it about our bodies that cause us so much angst? Is it because the set of rules that we have to abide by are set for us and we feel that we have to play along or else we lose out? Surely that cannot be the reason. There are so many ways in which we challenge many set ideologies because we do not ascribe to them and yet anything to do with the body causes us sleepless nights and we try to make some things more and other things less. Do we ever connect this with violence? Can we see the links between what we do to ourselves and our supposed aversion to violence? Why do we always assume that violence is done to us by someone else and not that we do it to ourselves quite easily and then have a million explanations to justify why we do not eat, why we use Fair and Lovely face cream, why we spend hours in the gym under duress, and why we focus incessantly on how much one has gained or lost in kilos and not in a metaphysical sense?

What is the point of saying my body is mine when actually we mean that my body is partially owned by me and the rest is a joint ownership between my parents; the gym; the people whom I desire and do not desire me; the media, society and the countless faceless people who feel that they can advise me and tell me what I should look like.

I look the same every day. Tall, big, dark woman. For others, what I am varies. Some days it’s a beautiful woman, at other times it is a fat woman. For some I am a man, for others my gender confuses them. Some people see me and think I am hot and others who feel that I should instantly go in for a 90 kg weight loss program.

I am all of this and I am not.

May 16, 2011