FRAGMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP
July 17, 2000
"It’s a bad idea". A smile. "A really bad idea. Don't even think of it".
"Why not? I have to be honest. I like you and I want to be with you. An affair? A relationship? Who knows?"
A laugh this time. The eyes crinkle up. Just a reiteration. "It’s a bad idea. Can't we be friends?"
"I guess we can," said rather reluctantly.
"Is that such a bad idea? We can still meet, go out, see movies and talk endlessly. Can't we?"
"Ofcourse. So tell me about yourself."
And so it began. This slow peeling of layers. Of friends meeting, of people with nothing in common untangling their lives. Explaining themselves. Words, endless words rolling into each other. Many silences., many gaps in the deconstruction of their lives. Yet somewhere a faint flicker of movement together, towards somewhere.
"I am empty, nothing to give you. Emotionally completely drained."
"I still want you. Any which way. And anyway, who decides what's empty, what's full?"
"Find someone else. It's better that way. I can't, I mean I won't get involved. Its too much heartbreak. You are resilient. You'll move on if this doesn't work. I can't take it anymore."
"I can't change what happened and I can't promise you forever. For me this moment is forever and I want you in my life. There is no certainty in anything I can give you. I know I am there now and hope to be there for you. If you believe, stay with me."
"What belief? No more learning processes. I want to be in a safe place, a space where I am comfortable and in control of my life. I am there now, I may not be there as a lover. I can't sustain relationships of love. Find yourself a real lover, someone who's there for you, will take and give in return. Its not me babe."
Endless whorls. More of the same conversations. The recurring theme being walk away, stay away, find someone else. And the other voice stating the opposite. Accompanying all of this is caring, endless laughter, infinite love and an unburdening of lives. Painting their earlier lives where nothing was in common.
Different worlds. Bridging is always difficult. That is if it is consciously thought of. It happens on its own most often. Because there is so much to tell each other, so much sharing that happens and spaces suddenly come together. What might have been emptiness fills with voices - the present, the past, all wildly mix and the canvas gets painted. Sometimes it is what was planned and sometimes a whole new pattern emerges.
So what were these lives that were apart? What brought them closer? Do they fit in with each other or are they together inspite of being apart? How much of their present is colored by their present? Is the touching of hands the same beginning each time? Do life stories repeat itself?
"Babe, we are back to where we started from. I want you in my life. I am happy with you. You make me smile. You make me glad that I am alive."
That gentle smile again.
"You make me happy too. I am glad that you are in my life and I never want to let you go. I like you. But it's still a bad idea to want anymore. Move on sweetheart and don't get caught in this. I will not be involved in a relationship. And don't smile. And don't ask me what this is?"
Once again it begins. This search for meaning. How many more hours, how many more words to explain lives spent apart - and at the end maybe togetherness or just a moving apart? For now too much is known.
July 21, 2000
You say I should write more often and I ask what?
You say more articles obviously.
I say that’s all? Why not letters to you. Letters that never get answered because you hate the written word - if it has to be written by you.
You smile your gentle smile. You say I remember what you said about love. About different concepts of love intersecting and not finding anything in common. Isn’t that true of most relationships? Does one ever see two people who are similar to each other emotionally, in thinking and feeling, get together?
No they don’t. Because if they did, the relationship is bound to end sooner or later.
Why, I wonder?
Hey, you don’t want to be involved with someone who is similar to you. After all the initial bits of getting to know each other, it can be tedious having the same reactions to everything.
So are we different?
I don’t quite know. Sometimes I think we are and then I think, give us time and we start modifying our behavior to suit each other and before we know it, we will be running away from each other, cursing all the common bits we exhibit.
But why would we do that? Surely we would want to retain our individuality. After all, that’s why we met and became friends.
Getting to know each other is different. We spend a lot of time talking about ourselves, our lives and we think we like each other because we are different. I don’t know when the whole equation changes. Because suddenly, all the dissimilar bits get erased out and before we know it, we become alike.
Yuck! Hey, lets avoid that bit. Can we continue being different and yet like each other?
Let’s try. There are so many firsts in what we are doing, why not try this one out too?
What do you mean by that? What firsts?
We talk of being friends and only that and yet we can’t bear the thought of not seeing each other or talking to each other every day.
Hey that’s normal. There is so much to talk about. So why shouldn’t we?
Its not what we should or should not be doing, it is happening to us. We enjoy it and yet we don’t talk love.
That smile again. Your eyes recede into your face. It’s that crinkly sort of smile.
I reach forward and hug you. It’s okay sweets. Let’s not try and analyze everything. Let’s just enjoy it. Atleast it’s making us happy.
July 21,2000
I've just got home and the phone rings. Its you asking me how the day was, that is the last two hours that we did not speak to each other. I ask the same. You reply. And the conversation continues.
"When do you think I will get to meet you?"
"I guess when you finish socializing. Your seemingly unending commitments." " I hate this irritation that I feel. Why do I have to do what I really don't want to do. Why don't friends understand and not give me grief."
"Obviously your friends expect more. They want to share your life. And anyway I am your friend too."
"Aren't you irritated because I changed the plan?"
"Should I be? Can I be demanding? Would it scare you if I were to say that I am irritated? I had looked forward to that coffee together, but you need your space and time with your life before I walked in." And what remained unsaid was that I am also grappling with this irritation at not seeing you everyday and I can't quite fathom why.
"Then why don't you say so?"And it begins all over again. This trying to understand what the hell is actually going on between us. Is this how a relationship begins? Or is this just a bonding that happens when people find someone they are comfortable with and mistake this for love? And even if it is so - what are we scared of? Ourselv
No comments:
Post a Comment