Thursday, November 29, 2007

A story I wrote long ago

FRAGMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP

July 17, 2000

"It’s a bad idea". A smile. "A really bad idea. Don't even think of it".
"Why not? I have to be honest. I like you and I want to be with you. An affair? A relationship? Who knows?"
A laugh this time. The eyes crinkle up. Just a reiteration. "It’s a bad idea. Can't we be friends?"
"I guess we can," said rather reluctantly.
"Is that such a bad idea? We can still meet, go out, see movies and talk endlessly. Can't we?"
"Ofcourse. So tell me about yourself."
And so it began. This slow peeling of layers. Of friends meeting, of people with nothing in common untangling their lives. Explaining themselves. Words, endless words rolling into each other. Many silences., many gaps in the deconstruction of their lives. Yet somewhere a faint flicker of movement together, towards somewhere.
"I am empty, nothing to give you. Emotionally completely drained."
"I still want you. Any which way. And anyway, who decides what's empty, what's full?"
"Find someone else. It's better that way. I can't, I mean I won't get involved. Its too much heartbreak. You are resilient. You'll move on if this doesn't work. I can't take it anymore."
"I can't change what happened and I can't promise you forever. For me this moment is forever and I want you in my life. There is no certainty in anything I can give you. I know I am there now and hope to be there for you. If you believe, stay with me."
"What belief? No more learning processes. I want to be in a safe place, a space where I am comfortable and in control of my life. I am there now, I may not be there as a lover. I can't sustain relationships of love. Find yourself a real lover, someone who's there for you, will take and give in return. Its not me babe."
Endless whorls. More of the same conversations. The recurring theme being walk away, stay away, find someone else. And the other voice stating the opposite. Accompanying all of this is caring, endless laughter, infinite love and an unburdening of lives. Painting their earlier lives where nothing was in common.
Different worlds. Bridging is always difficult. That is if it is consciously thought of. It happens on its own most often. Because there is so much to tell each other, so much sharing that happens and spaces suddenly come together. What might have been emptiness fills with voices - the present, the past, all wildly mix and the canvas gets painted. Sometimes it is what was planned and sometimes a whole new pattern emerges.
So what were these lives that were apart? What brought them closer? Do they fit in with each other or are they together inspite of being apart? How much of their present is colored by their present? Is the touching of hands the same beginning each time? Do life stories repeat itself?
"Babe, we are back to where we started from. I want you in my life. I am happy with you. You make me smile. You make me glad that I am alive."
That gentle smile again.
"You make me happy too. I am glad that you are in my life and I never want to let you go. I like you. But it's still a bad idea to want anymore. Move on sweetheart and don't get caught in this. I will not be involved in a relationship. And don't smile. And don't ask me what this is?"
Once again it begins. This search for meaning. How many more hours, how many more words to explain lives spent apart - and at the end maybe togetherness or just a moving apart? For now too much is known.


July 21, 2000

You say I should write more often and I ask what?
You say more articles obviously.
I say that’s all? Why not letters to you. Letters that never get answered because you hate the written word - if it has to be written by you.
You smile your gentle smile. You say I remember what you said about love. About different concepts of love intersecting and not finding anything in common. Isn’t that true of most relationships? Does one ever see two people who are similar to each other emotionally, in thinking and feeling, get together?
No they don’t. Because if they did, the relationship is bound to end sooner or later.
Why, I wonder?
Hey, you don’t want to be involved with someone who is similar to you. After all the initial bits of getting to know each other, it can be tedious having the same reactions to everything.
So are we different?
I don’t quite know. Sometimes I think we are and then I think, give us time and we start modifying our behavior to suit each other and before we know it, we will be running away from each other, cursing all the common bits we exhibit.
But why would we do that? Surely we would want to retain our individuality. After all, that’s why we met and became friends.
Getting to know each other is different. We spend a lot of time talking about ourselves, our lives and we think we like each other because we are different. I don’t know when the whole equation changes. Because suddenly, all the dissimilar bits get erased out and before we know it, we become alike.
Yuck! Hey, lets avoid that bit. Can we continue being different and yet like each other?
Let’s try. There are so many firsts in what we are doing, why not try this one out too?
What do you mean by that? What firsts?
We talk of being friends and only that and yet we can’t bear the thought of not seeing each other or talking to each other every day.
Hey that’s normal. There is so much to talk about. So why shouldn’t we?
Its not what we should or should not be doing, it is happening to us. We enjoy it and yet we don’t talk love.
That smile again. Your eyes recede into your face. It’s that crinkly sort of smile.
I reach forward and hug you. It’s okay sweets. Let’s not try and analyze everything. Let’s just enjoy it. Atleast it’s making us happy.

July 21,2000

I've just got home and the phone rings. Its you asking me how the day was, that is the last two hours that we did not speak to each other. I ask the same. You reply. And the conversation continues.
"When do you think I will get to meet you?"
"I guess when you finish socializing. Your seemingly unending commitments." " I hate this irritation that I feel. Why do I have to do what I really don't want to do. Why don't friends understand and not give me grief."
"Obviously your friends expect more. They want to share your life. And anyway I am your friend too."
"Aren't you irritated because I changed the plan?"
"Should I be? Can I be demanding? Would it scare you if I were to say that I am irritated? I had looked forward to that coffee together, but you need your space and time with your life before I walked in." And what remained unsaid was that I am also grappling with this irritation at not seeing you everyday and I can't quite fathom why.
"Then why don't you say so?"And it begins all over again. This trying to understand what the hell is actually going on between us. Is this how a relationship begins? Or is this just a bonding that happens when people find someone they are comfortable with and mistake this for love? And even if it is so - what are we scared of? Ourselv

random thoughts on NGOs and sexuality

Empowerment, gender, women’s rights, sexuality, sexual harassment are much talked about terms within NGOs in India. Some of it has come about as a reaction to years of patriarchal functioning of these organisations and some as dictated terminology of the 90s. Most or all these terms have also taken root within the NGO discourse because of its popularity with donor agencies. What does this jargon mean? Does it have the potential to be translated into everyday lives of women who are dealing with issues of existence or does it remain at the realm of theory?

Almost all NGOs have a programme for women and nowadays the focus has shifted to micro credit and livelihood strategies. The rationale for this has been the changing economic climate of India and the pressures it puts on women, most especially women headed households. These programmes are targetted towards the very poor in rural areas or urban slum dwellers and is meant to mobilise them to challenge existing norms of mobility, women’s role within the community and household, gain political power etc. The change makers are also inevitably women who work within these NGOs.

How well are these women equipped to deal with issues of social change? Quite a few of them have been attended gender workshops, a fortunate few have attended workshops on sexual violence and sexuality and almost all of them have attended trainings in organisational and skill development. Has any of it impacted on their own lives? Have they been able to assimilate what they have learnt to make changes within their own ife or has it been a “learning” only to “teach “ other people? This becomes a very pertinent question to ask when confronted with the reality that a lot of these women live away from home and family and are required to interact and work in close proximity with their male colleagues. Many of them would have male supervisors or bosses, who they would have to report to, but who are not necessarily sympathetic to or understand the issues involved.

A project in Rajasthan requires that its male and female workers spend days away from the project headquarters at one of the villages they work in. Although work areas maybe clearly defined, they form a support for each other so that they provide the best possible services to the area. Bonds are formed which go beyond the professional to encroach/include the personal. On return to the headquarters they return to their public life which does not allow any show of recognition other than that of colleagues.



Although the female colleagues may feel the need to bond on issues of family, husband, children, health etc. they do not seem to envisage the need for any structure that could address issues that go beyond familial relations to encompass self. provide any support in case of one of their colleagues having an affair with a male colleague.
(Instances of same sex relationships are almost always unrecorded because of shroud of silence that covers anything sexual and in this case is considered “abnormal”.)
Why is it that “legitimate” sex - sex between married partners - can be discussed in its entirety but not relationships outside the purview of marriage? Does the enforced secrecy increase the stress level of the woman and reduce efficiency at work? Why is it that organisations are able to discuss sexuality as a concept amongst their target groups - normally represented through discussions on birth control or reproductive tract infections - but are unable to provide a forum for their women workers? Why is that the women themselves are unable to share with each other? What happens to the sexuality of single, seperated or even married women living apart from their husbands in conditions where social contact as well as support is restricted to male and female colleagues? And most importantly what is the organisation’s position on relationships other than the socially sanctioned ones?
“One should always be drunk, that’s all there is to it, it’s the only way. Not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks you back and bends you to the earth. You should continually be drunk. Drunk with what? With passion. With anger, with outrage, or with justice, as you please, but get drunk. And if sometimes, you should happen to awake, on the stairs of a palace, on the grass of a ditch, in the dreary solitude of your room, and find that your drunkenness is aping, or has vanished, ask the wind, and the wave ask the star, bird or clock, ask anything that flies, everything that moans everything that flows, everything that sings, everything that speaks. Ask them the time, and the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, and the clock will all reply it is time to get drunk. If you’re not prepared to be the modern slaves of time, be perpetually drunk. With passion, with anger, with outrage or with justice. As you please.”

as presented by a slyvia tamale at the AWID Forum in 2005

just thinking

have been reading all the stories of violence and in feeling disjointed and out of it..it can't be for real that we watched the adivasi women getting mauled...and that we continue to maul our women for no reason at all..was happy to see that the girl who was sexually attacked said that the struggle would go on and that all this only made her stronger. will there ever be a time that all of this will pass and that we can walk around and protest and do all that we want to without the fear of attack or slander.

SUDAN: personal reflections

My association with the word Sudan goes a long way back. I was in Dublin in 1990, my first trip abroad and the first “foreign” man to proposition me was James and he was from Sudan. A refugee, he had fled from Juba in the South and come to Dublin to study. That is another story that I won’t go in to here. Dublin was also the place that I had fellow students from other African countries Eritrea, Ethiopia, Kenya and Zaire. And then I met Fahima Hashim in India, a Sudanese woman working with Jagori a women’s organization in India. We often spoke of working together and my coming to Khartoum to work with the organization she founded. Seemed like an impossible dream, until now. As I write this, I sit in the most expensive hotel in Khartoum, the Al Salam Rotana Hotel.

The years between 1990 and 2007 has seen Sudan in the news much more – famine, the civil unrest in the South and Darfur. The latter being one of the greatest human tragedies the world has witnessed and ignored. But that is all I heard about Sudan. And then an old school friend of mine came back into my life and she had many stories about Sudan. She had worked here as a doctor and had dire stories of being abducted by the rebels. But more importantly, she was the friend of Emma, the British aid worked who came to Sudan and married Riek Machar, the SPLA (Sudan People’s Liberation Army) zonal commander for the Upper Nile province who then eventually broke away (you can read more about this in Emma’s War, written by Deborah Scroggins). She told me many stories about Southern Sudan and the work that she did here. And those stories also spoke about a war torn land beset with innumerable problems.

So given this background, I set forth for Khartoum a little scared and some what excited too. Not sure of what to expect, I scoured the net for information on Sudan, the tourist sites that I could look at, the hotels I could stay in and the handicrafts that I could buy. I must say that the net search was the most unrewarding. There were hotels mentioned but the ratings were terrible. The tourist sites were limited: the camel market in Omdurman, the old city; Jebel Marra – a volcano in Darfur which was now out of bounds and pyramids in the north. Of crafts there was no mention. In terms of hotels, there were a few mentioned and of all of them Rotana was new and rated a little higher than the others. Fahima had also suggested this place, so it seemed to be the place to be in. The net showed me a fabulous place, very plush and expensive.

I read upon Sudan and all I could find was stories of the conflict, testimonies of rape and violence, the embargo by the US, reports by UN personnel on the tragedy and so on. Nothing about people’s life in Sudan, the women’s movement or any thing else. And that got me thinking. Don’t countries with a history of armed conflict have anything else happening there? Are they no stories that talk of resilience and fighting back? Has there been no movement for rights in this country?

I land in Khartoum and am met at the airport by Fahima. The flight from Doha was full of Sudanese families and all the women were weighed down by gold of the likes that I have not seen before. It was even more than what I imagine Malayalis returning from the Gulf brought back into the country. There were Indians on the flight too – which flight does not have? The one Indian woman I met had been here with her husband for a year and she had nothing good to say about the country. She talked about how expensive everything was and how there was no social life. We drove down to the hotel and as the car passed through the city, all I could see was big buildings, a building that housed Oriflame, a billboard that screamed “Fair and Lovely” a whitening cream that I was familiar with in India, Afra- a large mall that catered to the expat population and then the hotel loomed large. Many, many cars on the road Mercedes, Daewoo, white land rovers with UN emblazoned on them. Women and men were driving these cars. And then the hotel loomed large. Very important looking and gigantic, comparing with the best five stars. Was kind of intimidated by the space and the people that I saw inside. Many suited men and women, all looking very important and hurrying about. All foreigners and the local people were the staff and the few others who seemed to be there to pick up the hotel guests. This hotel has all that other hotels have – swimming pool, fitness centre, food that can be had in any other part of the world, notices that point towards the gift shop that does not exist, mention of a book shop that has not begun as yet. Life in the hotel is like that of a kingdom. One could live here and never know of the world outside. It’s a bubble that covers you completely and nothing affects you – the heat, the stories of war, FGM – nothing! Why would it, everything is so antiseptic and perfect. A good way to forget all about real life!

Conversations with Fahima have been fascinating. There is so much that we have spoken about. The wars, Islamization of the country, the women’s movement, education systems, donors, the Sudanese diaspora who are now returning. All vignettes, but all interesting.

Khartoum has many buildings contributed by many different governments – the Friendship Hall built by the Chinese, a building for young people built by the Koreans (not sure whether North or South), a hideous space ship look alike hotel that is coming up kind courtesy the Libyan government – scheduled to open on September I, to commemorate the Libyan revolution ( the other side to this story is the fact that the Sudanese government owes money to Libya and so has allowed them to build this hotel); investments by the Saudis, Omanis, and other countries from the Middle East, and of course Indians.

Shariah law was imposed in 1983 and Islamization began. Red light districts closed at this time, driving prostitution underground. Many of the women in jail at this moment have been arrested on grounds of prostitution, adultery and for being drug carriers. Men are also in jail for adultery. Many women arrested for brewing alcohol. These women are from the South and for them the brewing of alcohol is not “haraam”. They brew and sell since that is their only form of income generation. Interestingly, the English newspaper Khartoum Monitor had an advertisement for Alcoholics Anonymous – if Khartoum is a dry state then where would the alcoholics be, if there are alcoholics who was selling the liquor ,many questions…

1991 a Public Order Act was passed that defined appropriate Islamic conduct at the public level and addressed appearance and public interaction. Meant to guard against immorality. Islamization of public spaces. Incidents very similar to what happened in Iran happened here with the police dragging women off to the courts and lashing them for exposing their hair or not being dressed properly. Women of Afhad University, a private University, found the police waiting outside the gates since the University did not insist on them “dressing appropriately” in University! And now in 2007, one of the Universities in Khartoum has a woman leading the students union. Apparently, it has been difficult for her, but she is there.

The government also wanted a law enacted that would have ensured that women could not work in public places, which included gas stations, hotels, etc. There was a huge mobilization amongst ordinary women not just NGOs and the government was forced to change the law. Education for women has also ensured that they are questioning customary law.

Islam came to Sudan approximately 500 years ago and there was always Christianity in the country. Coptic churches existed. With the passing of the Shariah law, many of the Copts fled. There were also a large number of Greeks whose main business was alcohol. With Shariah law they fled, since alcohol became prohibited. Apparently, some of the best Greek food stuff was available in Khartoum earlier.

Politics in this country is shaped within the context of Arabization rather than Africanization.

US plays an important role here. Sudan is seen as the training ground for the jihadis and Osama had spent time there.

An amazing country and one wishes there had been more time to explore it. There is the war in the south, in Darfur and yet there are weddings, and dervishes dancing to Sufi music, young girls who wish to be film makers, incense to make the women more alluring to the men, perfume that is made from crocodile nails, the meeting place of the Blue Nile and the White Nile…a history that needs to be written about and talked about more. Inshallah, may be one day I will be able to do that!
AT IMMIGRATION
Arrived back in New York and was pleasantly surprised to see that immigration was not all that tough. Sauntered through and went up to customs and was asked by woman whether we (Radhika and I) had any food items that we wanted to declare and what were we bringing back from Lima. Since neither of us had anything, we said so and were asked to move into another line. We did and were asked again whether we had any food items to declare and if that they did find anything in our luggage we would have to pay a fine. We said we did not have anything; the luggage went through without a problem. And then we were asked to move into a waiting room of sorts.

Through all of this, neither of us was told what was happening or what was to happen. Four of us were there in the waiting room. All non-white. And there were four counters. Man behind the counter asked me to give him my passport. He flicked through it. Asked me what I was doing in the US, why was I there and when was I there last. Told him I was there a week ago, he looked surprised then told him I was in transit to Peru. Where was I going to stay, was I meeting family, what I was doing in Lima, what did I do in India, did I have a business card? As I looked through my bag for the visiting card, he wanted to know how much money I had and did I have credit cards and would I show him my wallet. And through all of this, nothing about why he was doing this except for a random comment that this was a routine check. I finally found my visiting card case and pulled out the card. He wanted to know whether he could look through it. There was no way that I was going to say no, so I gave it him. He flips through it casually. Goes back to flipping through my passport and wants to know whether I have visited any Arab country. He could clearly see the visas and the fact that I had been to Sudan very recently. Wanted to know what I was doing there. Told him training on gender. Looks at my Canadian visa and remarks that I have been to Canada. It is obvious that I have, I have an entry date stamped on it. Wanted to know what my relationship to Radhika was since it was obvious that we were travelling together. Now wants me to bring my luggage to the table so that he can look through it.

Sifts through the luggage. Tells me that this part of his job is what he does not like. Sees a notebook, which says sexuality, sex, sexual rights on the cover. My notebook with details from meetings that I have attended on those subjects. Read through some of the pages and then asks me to pack up. I then put everything back on the trolley and he escorts me to the door to let me out. Informs me once again that this is just a random check and that I just got “selected” and I could go now. And I walk out and wait for Radhika to come.
So what do I make of all this? Ignore it as random, it probably was. But what did I feel: scared, disempowered, terrified that they would “discover” something. It doesn’t help that I have a passport, which has visas of all the places that I have visited which include Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Vietnam, Sudan, Canada, Bangkok and many other places. And many visas of the many times that I have come to the US and left and come back and left. I am someone who talks about leadership of women, the need to question and I found myself quiet, scared and desperately trying to remember the names of people I know in NY who could help me if I needed help. What if I could make only one phone call, who would I make it to? Thank god I knew English, I knew what they were asking yet could ask no questions. Still feel unsettled by it all, scared of going through those immigration counters. Was it a check by customs or was it a check by immigration, I still don’t know and did not dare ask. All I know is that I felt my privacy had been invaded; I was not read my rights and given the present climate was too scared of asking anything in case they thought I was showing attitude! Long live freedom and democracy and the right to question!
sometime last year
Queer Struggle
The queer struggle is meant to be a site for challenge, for radical solutions, a space where one questions caste, class, ethnicity and gender. And yet that is one space where we seem to reinforce gender stereotypes by casting the world within the binary construction of man and woman and any one who does not fall within that or has one or more of the attributes that we assign either category as transgender. So what we are not accounting for are other experiences and choices of gender non conformity or expressions of gender/sexuality that are not bound by man or woman or heterosexual or homosexual.
So the identity alphabet soup too is also constructed as LGBTI and everything else that is added on are regional variations – kothi, jogappa, panthi etc.
Are we also then buying into what is seen as man and woman and attributing to them certain characteristics that place them firmly within the terrain of this binary construct?
What is queer then? Should it be inclusive of all sexualities, identities, behaviours and anyone who transgresses all norms that have been laid down by society, tradition, law whatever or should we reduce to only those who subscribe to the classification that has been laid down by us – LGBT?

Queer struggle now is also being defined only as the struggle for the reading down or repeal of 377 as though once that is done all our troubles will be over. As the law stands and the way the law plays out, the people affected are the men who transgress existing norms of what is considered the “correct” desire for them to have. Therefore it is the men who are in public spaces – and now even the internet has acquired a geographical space- parks etc. who are penalized or preyed upon. They occupy this space by virtue of them having the necessary sexual organs to call themselves men but by virtue of behavior or practices or identity they immediately lose the superior position that has been accorded to them through that great institution Patriarchy! Women do not occupy any space – public or private; they are not meant to express desire; and they are not meant to act out any emotion that they may feel. So conversations around women and sexuality have always been severely limiting unless one talks about it in the context of rape or disease. The discussion around 377 has had the effect of silencing all discussion around the women and desire issue since we seem to have prioritized the legal issue before the others. 377 has not been used to threaten women in quite the mass scale that it has been used against men, mainly because the women are not in any of the spaces where they may be a recognition that there is a transgression. But the question of women loving women exists and is not being given much focus because it is more challenging in many aspects. They have to out themselves as sexual beings in the first place and at the same time out themselves as sexual beings that break out of the compulsory heterosexuality mode. That renders them doubly deviant and enhances the chances of violence against them.

Staying silent when the 377-debates rage on has been a political choice that has been reached. Why would one ask for attention and ask for penalization given that the government has such strong views on what is correct and incorrect and believes in policing people. Look what happened in Sri Lanka for instance: Sri Lanka has a similar provision to Sec 377 in its Penal Code. The changes to the Penal Code were recommended in the context of the need for amendments to the law to protect the victims of incest, marital rape, sexual harassment and the exploitation of children. Though gay rights groups and human rights activists such as the late Neelan Thiruchelvam clearly opposed the continued operation of Sec 365A of the Penal Code arguing that the provsion was archaic, the amendment broadened the ambit of acts considered criminal under the law. The term 'man' was changed to 'person' and 'carnal intercourse against the order of nature' became act of 'gross indecency with any person.' Thus, a provision, which did not apply to lesbians in its colonial avatar, was actually expanded to include lesbians in the wake of this reform rather than ceasing to apply to gay men. That is definitely not something that is desired in the context of India where homo sociality is the order of the day.